Earlier this summer I decided to just disappear...
...to quietly go off social media, to unceremoniously stop sending emails, to silently make a new website, and to just get quiet overall and turn inward. I didn't feel the need to make some big announcement or outline my plans and broadcast them. I just simply got quiet. And it was the best gift I ever could have given myself. This healing journey I'm on has required more of me than I ever imagined it could. My strength, my courage, my patience, my humbling, and most of all the transformation of my fear.
My body could no longer handle the pace at which I was living or the choices that I was making. My soul was starving and crying out for attention. So I stopped. I let go. And I had no choice but to say "ok." Lead me. I'll turn the bulldozer off. I'll DO LESS, and BE STILL MORE. I'll make it my new mantra. Instead of pushing, hustling, visioning and scheming I had to humbly put everything on pause and just walk away. And truly take to heart the adage, "if you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans." I had to open to receive what I need most instead. And that was some time to just disappear, without any plans or agenda, just silence…
And a curious thing has happened during this time.
Everything I needed still came to me: opportunities that I would have previously sought out showed up at my doorstep instead and everything FLOWED with ease, almost effortlessly. So I said yes, and thank you, and more please. Like the news of my first RETREAT this fall! Or opportunities for affiliate promotion like my dear friend Jen & her Manifestation Masters Program. Or speaking gigs, like the Sacred Stories Summit. Any of these would have been amazing on their own, but they're just glimpses of the bounty that has arrived. I've super powered my gratitude practice because of this, and also because never knowing how I'm going to feel causes me to REALLY appreciate the days I feel good - and can function almost normally.
There are also opportunities that have crushed my heart to say no to as well, because I just don't have the same bandwidth as before. My yes must now be a screaming HELL YES for me to proceed. There must be total alignment, both internal and external. Though there are a lot more NO's that are happening than I would like, I have to be extra discerning at this time.
This great silent summer sabbatical has brought piercing clarity and discovery, but also deep grief and loss. It's helped me to truly see what's serving me and what's not. And it's forced me to make difficult decisions (like moving, and changing the way I'm working with others and finding a diet and home that truly nurtures me from the inside out). I've been shown in technicolor the old patterns that are still holding on in my life, both behavioral and karmic. It's forced me to look at the choices I've made in my life up until this point (with the help of the Supermoon this weekend) and to take a hard look at my motivations. To see the places where my soul has been buried and bulldozed in favor of ego or unconscious motives.
As Mark Nepo says in his brilliant & poignant book Seven Thousand Ways to Listen, "Unless rooting and opening, unless listening to what is near but beyond us, we will forgo the soul's birthright to blossom." I have been challenged to listen deeply now to that part of me that life is trying to awaken, the soul's intimate yearning.
And so things are going to be changing around here...
...For the better. I wanted you to be the first to know. You can expect not only a new look, but also more of my blazing brave he(art) to shine forth in the months to come, a massive increase in value, a greater level of service, and lots of authentic soul expression, from art to poetry to prose when I am able to give it. Because I am no longer going to hold back. I have been humbled and ravaged and worn down, but it's left me with the sparkling core of what matters most and the work I was put on this earth to do: bringing light & healing to the broken places (and people) in our world.
I want to take the opportunity to tell you now that I am so grateful for you, your support, your love, your courage and your sparkle. I hope you stick around for the ride, dear heart. I promise that it's going to help us all to Sparkle Shamelessly & shake the world together.